Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
