I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
