Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize