half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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