She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
