Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
