i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
