We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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