remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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