my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
