She said her name was "party"
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
