All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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