this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
