yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
