You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
