hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
