I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
