Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
