i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
