I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
