miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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