dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This baby is an asshole
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
