If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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