I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
