we made out on top of his cat.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
