I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
