I hate your face
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
