if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
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