while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
