Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
