Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So drunk its hurt
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
