I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
