i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize