overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
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