recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
