Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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