My pussy is not your playground.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
