Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
bring money and cleavage
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize