he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
