I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
