Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
