What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
