I faked an abortion last night.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
