i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize