Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
