Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
