just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
