guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
