Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
it's great music for shaving your balls
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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