well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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