so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
