My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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