I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
