thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
