All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
