Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
