come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
