i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
