i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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