I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
