He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
